Dear Person who is trying to get the password to this journal,

Are you a retard? I get the request mailed to me. Go away idiot.

Love,

Me.

Dear Nicole,

I was going to stick around and talk to you face to face, but the fact is it's easier this way. I'm not good at goodbyes. I'm not good at relationships. I'm not that guy. I'm never going to be that guy. All my life I've been focused on two things; watching out for Sammy and taking down the son of a bitch that killed my mother. It was a simple existence even if it wasn't easy. I was good at it. But Sammy isn't a kid anymore. He's got shit going on that I can't help him with. He's got Dad and Fred, and well I need to do what he did awhile back. I need to do things on my own for a bit.

I thought about asking you to come with me. You have to believe that packing up my things and heading out in the middle of the night only leaving you a letter isn't the way I wanted to end things. I'm not sure how you got to me, but you did. You were unlike anyone I'd ever met, and I'm grateful for the time you spent with me. I know, I know you're going to be spitting mad. You're going to call me a coward for leaving when you can't have your say. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am. I just know that I need to go. I can't risk you talking me out of it, or Sam guilt tripping me.

I have a lead on the demon and I'm going after him solo. I'm not coming back to Los Angeles. I've lost sight of my work because living the good life with you was so damn nice. But it's not the life meant for me. I'm not that guy. I never will be. The truth is, Nic, you deserve that guy. You deserve someone better than me.

Take care of yourself.

-Dean

Dear Dad and Sam,

I'm out. If you need anything turn to each other for awhile. I can't play buffer or referee. I've lost sight of my mission, and I've lost sight of myself. I need to do what you two have already done; spend some time on my own getting acquainted with myself. If something really big goes down, I'm sure I'll catch wind of it and be there to ride in and cover your back. Otherwise, I'll be in touch when I can.

-Dean

[ooc: This ties up the loose ends for my Dean Winchester. I'm pulling him from Fandom_muses and wanted to make sure whoever takes him up next has a clean slate. It's been a pleasure. <333 Nicole. Alec, listen to your mother.]

//locked//

Mom doesn't die. The demon never gets near the house. She stays happy, beautiful, and the heart of our family. She bakes Sam and me cookies and attends school functions. Dad keeps his stable job. We keep the house. Sammy heads off to college and meets Fred. They get married and have fat genius babies. I run into Nicole before something gets a hold of her mom. We open a sky diving business and her mom and my parents roll their eyes a lot, but we're happy with it. Nicole gets to know her brother. He doesn't have to die a million times. He and Faith get to raise their kids without all the drama surrounding them. Life is as normal as any of us have ever known. It may be a little mundane compared to the lives we lead, but there is a lot less death.

Happy Birthday, Sammy. I'm sure you thought I forgot which is ridiculous because I never forget the important shit. Sometimes I coast in at the last minute, but it's never because I forgot. I promised you we would go out tonight and we will. There will be all the shots of liquor that you can stand. And then there will be more liquor until you are practically crawling out of the bar. I'll get you into the Impala and promise to make sure you don't make it to another birthday if you puke in my car. I'm sure Fred will be nicer when she helps you deal with your hangover than I usually am, but that is part of the fun of having a pretty girlfriend, right?

As for a present, well, I picked you up a couple of things I'll give you later tonight. I know you want to talk. I know you plan to guilt trip me with the puppy eyes and use the 'it's my birthday you have to indulge me this' bullshit to get your way. It's cool though. I'll humor you. I'm not going to get into all the chick flick mushy moments, but you know how I feel about you. I hope your birthday is a good one.

Happy Birthday, Nicole.

//locked from everyone//

So, I have a sister that Dad never told us about. To be fair it seemed like this was a recent discovery for him too. Something was up with communication and he wasn't getting our calls and emails anymore than we were getting his. Alex isn't that much younger than Sam which is what is fucking with me more than anything. I guess I get it. Grief will make you do fucked up things. I kept trying to get Sammy to get back in the saddle after Jess die. Maybe this was some kind of payback for that, or maybe it's just different when it's my dad versus my brother.

I was quiet during the meeting. Barely said much to Sam, Dad or Alex, but I figured I was entitled to keep my feelings to myself right now. I need time to figure this out before I trust myself to speak with any of them about it. I know Sam wants to lay into Dad, but he can do it without me. Anything I need to say to Dad can be said between just him and me. I probably should try and get to know Alex, but I need a little time to digest this information. There is a case or two to throw myself into so that is what I plan to do. Sam can knock off the puppy eyes cause I don't have shit to say right now. Until I'm ready to talk I'm just going to go about things business as usual. I have a little sister on top of a little brother, but it really doesn't change shit. I'm still the big brother and what I say goes.

Nicole and I are heading out of town on a road trip. We'll be back late Sunday night. We're requesting you avoid doing the following things from now until we return:

1. Getting possessed.
2. Getting married.
3. Having a baby.
4. Getting fangs.
5. Getting sent to hell.
6. Picking a fight with someone you know will hand you your ass in several paper bags.
7. Drugging people so they become evil.
8. Setting shit on fire.
9. Running away.
10. Calling either of our cell phones unless more than one of the first nine items on the list have happened.

11. Don't start an apocalypse either.

See you when we're back.

He's taking a couple of days to process what happened with Sammy. His brother was possessed by the bitch that Dean thought he had taken out. A good man, a hunter even, was killed while that bitch had control of Sam's body. He knows it's not Sam's fault. Dean also knows his brother is going to blame himself. How could he not? If the roles were reversed, Dean would blame himself, but he would have never asked Sam to promise what Sam made Dean promise.

Life and death has been a focus of their lives since their mother died. There was a time when Dean believed in the power of God and the fact that after you finish your work here you can go chill in heaven with the big dude in the sky. He's not sure when he stopped believing. It's ironic since he knows for a fact there is a hell. You can't have one without the other right?

He's tired and feeling like he's stuck in a holding patterns. This is the life he's been raised to lead, but he's starting to feel like he's fighting a losing battle. He promised from the day he first met Sam when the kid was nothing but a squirming baby in their mother's arms that he would protect his little brother. Now his little brother is wanting him to promise he will take him out if he gets too far gone.

Fuck you, Sammy. He wants to punch him in the face and remind him that Dean is never going to let him get that far gone. But there is a hunter dead. There is blood on Sam's hands. And while Dean can find sanctuary in Nicole's arms, he knows it's just a temporary reprieve for the next round with the demon starts up. He's just so fucking tired.

//so fucking locked not even Sammy and his precious fucking computer can crack it open.//

Right so it's a little weird to have the dream the other night all things considered. I'm not sure why it came to me then and not before, but what can you do? The subconscious is a freaky thing, and I'm not about to go to Sam to ask him to analyze it. Especially when I'm not even sure what is going on completely with him yet.

Yeah, the dream started with me sitting in the audience of this bar in Vegas. Music comes on, lights go down, and I'm the only one at a table. Curtains open and there she is, in that showgirl outfit she was wearing when Angel and I showed up to bail her and Nicole out of jail. She's doing her little dance like all those Vegas girls do, but she's moving in a way no regular dancer could. Slayers, man, they are something else.

I'm on the edge of my seat, taking in glimpses of thigh and breast along with sequins and feathers when I feel the nightstick tap against my cheek. Nic's there and she is smirking at me as she informs me she's going to have to frisk me. Then she leans in and whispers that she will have to frisk Faith first. Did I mind holding on to her nightstick while she handled that.

Then just as she makes it up to the stage, the alarm goes off, and I hear Fred and Sammy talking about coffee and tracing leads. It wouldn't have been so bad if Fred wasn't in the room, but trying to make it to the shower without alerting either of them to my condition brought on by that dream wasn't easy. Fuck. The least fate could have let me do was finish out the dream. //unlocked//

We got back from Vegas to the news of Faith's sister being in a coma, and my brother missing. Fucking hell man. Nicole, Fred and I went back to the house and found the research that Sam had been working on. A bunch of shit about haunted houses, paranormal activity, and more house fires with children like Sammy and the mom's not surviving. Apparently whatever the fuck he was working on involved some guy that looked like Harry except he was apparently without fangs and maybe tied in to the kids like Sam.

There was dust on the keyboard and while the room didn't look trashed, it definitely looked like he had to haul ass in a hurry. There was no clue or little note left for me and the girls to let us in to why he just suddenly took off. Didn't see his phone so I figured that was a good sign right?

Except the fucker wasn't answering his phone. We packed our shit and grabbed the research and headed off to the closest location that was listed in his notes. It's been four days and we've tore through five cities so far. I have no idea if we're even on the right track. I've left so many fucking voicemail messages that his mailbox is probably full up.

Called Dad and left a message for him. Haven't heard back from him, but I figured he's working his contacts and shit too. He'll call if he finds something. Fred is handling things better than me, but I guess it's Nicole who is keeping us both sane.

I'll find him. I'll find him and I'll kick the shit out anyone or anything that had to do with his disappearing like that. Then I'll kick his ass for worrying me sick for days. There is another haunted house to check out so we're going to head out to that town now since the one we're currently in turned up jack shit.

Mother fuck, Samuel, answer your fucking phone.

Comment and I will:
1) Tell you why I friended you.
2) Associate you with a song/film.
3) Tell a random fact about you.
4) Tell a first memory about you.
5) Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6) Show you my favourite user pic of yours.
7) In retort, you must spread this disease in your LJ.

It's simple. Fuck public transportation. I'm not getting on another plane, private or commercial. I'm stay away from boats, especially yachts, thanks. I don't even want to get in a cab or ride a bus. You're not getting me on a subway either. I'm done with it.

Now that I have my baby back, I'm going to drive everywhere we need to go. I'd rather let Fred drive my car with a slushie in one of her hands before I'd get back on a yacht or a plane. Sam mocked my dislike for public transportation and look where it got us; stranded on some freak island in another dimension.

It's a new year and this is one resolution I plan to see through. If I never see another beach again I'll die a happy man.

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

Thanksgiving ended up being some weird ass event. Not that I was surprised considering who was hosting it. Some chick showed up with yams that no one wanted to eat. Whatever, those were damn tasty yams. Their loss was my gain. Most of the holiday was spent eating and waiting for explosions since most of us can't be in the same room without spouting off. I was on my best behavior since Fred, Nicole and Sam had each taken it upon themselves to threaten me if I started anything. I just wanted to eat. Oh and be thankful that we were off that fucking island.

Made a couple of calls to Dad's voicemail, but I guess he was working on a case and couldn't call back. Now we're packing up a rental car to start the road trip from hell. Fred wants to drive, and I'm okay with that. The goal is to get the impala and get back here before Christmas.

Everyone seems all caught up in the materialistic part of the holiday to the point it makes me kind of sick. We never had the big tree and all those presents. Most of the time we were on the road and busy working. The true meaning of Christmas is something you can learn by watching the Charlie Brown Christmas special, so I won't lecture about it here. My family is safe and that is all that matters to me. I got a girl who doesn't completely hate my lifestyle and seems okay with spending time with me. If we can just track down that demon and wrap this shit up, I'd say that would be the best Christmas ever.

Marriage? Shit. There isn't a lot of things in the world that I consider sacred. When I think about my childhood the thing that stands out is how much my parents loved each other. I'm talking that kind of love that the best movies are written about. You know, the stuff that girls get all weepy over and then look at their boyfriends hoping that could happen with them. The truth is, it probably won't happen with them. It probably won't happen to most people because that kind of love is once in a lifetime. It is the kind of love that leads to marriage and the ability to take those vows in front of God and keep them.

Honestly, I don't see myself ever getting married. That is way more Sammy's bag than mine. I don't make a lot of promises because I know I can't keep them. I've had a couple of girlfriends and shit always went down the same way. I got busy and forgot to call. I said something without thinking about how they would feel about it. I refused to apologize when work got in the way and I missed out on plans we had made. My life is complicated and busy. It's hard to fit someone else into it. Hell, half the time I have a hard time sharing space with Sammy and we grew up together.

Marriage is something people should do if they know they can keep that promise. When they know that they have met the one person in the world that will possess them and own them in a way no one else is going to be able to touch. If you find that, then fuck, hang on to it. Cherish it. Because it's unlikely you will ever fucking find it again.

//locked up tight//

I've always been a little jealous of Sam. He's clearly Dad's favorite even if he will say otherwise. They are a lot alike and they get each other in a way I can't really get either of them. The thing I was really jealous of was that for a little while he had that taste of a normal life. He had the girlfriend and the friends, the routine and the school. He got to do things his own way. For a little while he was just Sam Winchester, college student, and that was something I was never going to be.

I was never going to be a college type. My grades were bad and I didn't give a shit about school. I couldn't focus on things like that. But there were times that I wondered what it was like to be away from the life we were raised in. I wondered what it was like to have a girlfriend and be in one city for more than a week. Then I would save someone and be reminded that petty jealousy aside, this was the life I wanted for myself. This is where I'm supposed to be.

Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to know if I even had a past life? It's not like that is a guarantee. Some souls end when they die. I'd like to think my mother was given the chance for peace. That she and Jess ended up in heaven and they aren't being forced to go another round as whatever they could be reincarnated as.

If I had a past life I was probably just as stubborn and obnoxious as I am now. My theory was that you had to keep doing it over until you did it right. I reckon that means I'll be cursed to keep going in circles because I'm not likely to make significant changes. Maybe I was a fireman. I used to want to be a fireman when I was kid. I'm not sure. I'm not about to hunt Missouri down to tell me either. Somethings you are just better off not knowing, if you ask me.

I bet Sam was a puppy. Seriously, look at my brother and tell me you couldn't see him as a puppy. He mastered the kicked puppy look when he was two so he had to of learned it somewhere.